ultraspare change

all sorts of things

3/19/09

the automatic blog

well...i see my other blog makes posts on all sorts of things. no imput by me needed. and this one too, sort of. not my intention, but the result of adding some things. just as well because i haven't really gotten up and running yet. combo of personal and techinical circumstances. still, it's weird to see posts from my blog(s) in my reader that i never made.

i didn't even set out to have two blogs, at least not right now. but i couldn't lkocate the one i created in the fall, not long before leaving oahu. i never did find it...until it came up in reader. at least, i think it's my blog. i have3 a memory of naming it "shiny life 2.0." and i think i misspelled shiney, too. i've had mucho stress for quite some time now, not the least of which is getting all my data and photos and physical possessions and friends (real ones)...uh, gone. in various ways. and all permanently.

one cell phone i had--my first smart phone, a gift in the aftermath of sinisa's suicide, was stolen from me four times. which tells you i got it back at least (and exactly) three times. by the fourth time, i watched a fellow take it around the corner and didn't move to stop him (he was supposedly borrowing it). partly my general, creeping sense of fatalism, partly in the spirit of experiment, and partly--maybe largely--because i hate sprint with a passion. and since it was a very expensive phone and a gift, that meant i'd be tied to spring forever. or for the life of the phone at least.

on the other hand, it had all the pictures of sinisa but a few. (those--save one--got taken off my hands just before christmas when the house i'm in right now got burglarized two days after my arrival. along with four years of journals, my new laptop, my old but loaded with tunes iriver, and so on. see why i'm kinda fatalistic? and that's just the final, small piece of it).

well, another reason i haven't dived into blogging yet is that i have so, so much to work thru and i hesitate to work thru it in a blog. and yet. and yet, there's actually no other viable outlet, or anyway there hasn't been for the last four years and i'm not sure i'm even open to any other outlets at this point. but i have some journals, maybe 8 or nine years worth, it turns out, saved on my son't hard drive. from before i left for oahu, 7 years back.

of course, the computer's ancient and has some mysterious problems (my son's a programmer, and i think it's like having a kid who's a mechanic: he never works on cars except at work).

it's a long story, which will perhaps unfold here in blogger over time, but tho i dont' want to lose even those journals (probably rhe worst ones in my whole 35 year journal writing history), i probably won't get around to backing them up any time soon. i did that when i scanned them in. made three disks, in fact. took one with me to the islands--where it got broken by person or persons unknown while they were breaking the rewst of my CDs and stealing various and sundry possessions, including my dharma stuff and things sinisa gave me while he was alive.

well. i've had a dramatic and varied life so far, filled with bliss, adventure, sorrow, magic, tragedy, intensity, peacefulness, learning, accomplishment, failure, and so on. but it might be awhile before my blog moves much beyond these past four years. or goes much into the time before, if it ever does. i have no plan for the blog per se, and yet that neurotic fear of somehow doing it "wrong" is an obstacle too.

for months after sinisa's amazing leap into the next life (actually amazing, in its manner and in an of itself; i should know, i was right there), i was aware of this paralyzing fear of doing something--anything--inadvertently wrong. i add inadvertently because (a) i rarely do anything i know is wrong, and (b) at that time i decided to do acouple of things that others, many others, would consider wrong but which i did not. still don't, in fact.

ah...another thing making it hard to get this blog started: each thing i could say has layers and links not unlike the internet itself. it's hard to decide which link to click, which to skip. so i'm inclined to skip them all, but immediately i see that won't work, because then it would just be an endless "that's for another time" and "too long to go into here" outline of nothing.

or outline of present ineffectuality and confusion. and trepidation. why then, even blog at all? but writing's been a serious therapy and lifesaver for me since i was 14. hell., i've even made money writing from time to time. and tho i try (and try and try) to gain some detachment from the loss of almost everything, for years on end, in almost every area, i can't.

can't. in a nutshell, i don't want to write and then lose all the writing again (so you can imagine how i felt when i couldn't find my other blog. sheesh). i figure aht--barring the whole internet vanishing, the earth itself vanishing, or me being absolutely unable to log on for so long my account becomes a past account--what i write online will remain. i could write in a more for-sure private place, some obscure site, maybe even tumblr (in fact, i have a tumblelog, mostly stray photos right now) but the part of me that's always loved performing and communicating, and the part that's lonely as hell right now despite my hermit deliberate hermit ways, would prefer to open a door to possibly making contact.

i'll leave it at that. for now.

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3/18/09

kira, my secondlife avi


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Uploaded - 3\18\09


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