ultraspare change

all sorts of things

3/10/11

uneasy idyll ends

all meeting emds in parting. the day i leave, so ,any people unreachable. phone no longer working, or simply not responding. even the ones who always hang out were gone from their spots. and i am visiting one i did find and slowly remembering how much i hate being aimless in company. my stydy idyll, which did improve my skills, was also unsettling in that it was not in any way mine nor did i have any say in when or how it would end. and i was never sure of just how it came to be i guess. because he felt sorry for me, so alone. never till the end did anything belie this. even the end doesnt really. annoyance van muffle gentler emotiins.

i realized something: when i've taken people in, i never had a time limit and if i ever made them leave, i cant recall it. i've thrown out a boyfriend for great good cause, but thats different. i guess its like, if i take in a teen or an old lady or whatever, i'm aware that they need somewhere to be for a reason, and i'd not feel ok making them go. i only take ppl in when i really feel to, and a couple times they were bugging me and so i left. once for good, once till they were ready to go.

but most people dont even take ppl in at all. nine months is extraordinary in my experience (this is the only time i accepted, so its not much experience). i wa ted to live with b but that aint happening, and its probably better anyway. he affects me strongly and also confuses me and we'd probably fight, pobably over resources, and i ... uh oh. fuck my goddaam plugged ears. someone outside her tent is saying words i cant get. apparently alarming words, as i think she called for a guy and ran for help...man, hearing is a bfd! i cant survive out here like this. its isolating and i can easily miss danger. like now. i have no idea whats going on ... ah she came in grabbed a bb gun (that looks real). she chased him off and lectured me about my ears. shit.

3/9/11

changing, not quite metallic
singing sinking storming
tangled lonely smoke, your visions
ringing broken promises of healing in my ears
i run to you run from you run
who are you, and why
why is a bird?

and a soul, you say? so ...
is it a thing, like a rock or an dented cup?
you think it is
you think it can be bought and sold like fear
but when i ask you: with what coin?
you ride silence

a thousand strands of filament lavender
bind this living information called "i"
your forgotten sorrows
your laughter and logic of the void
you steady taurus touch
hot and strong...

logic and laughter both
are scarce these days, on my street
my serious eyes see silver flashing deep clouds
and i lie without intention, drawing you in
drawing you into being
and i want to box my ears and paint my eyes
the color of glass and fragility

sometimes i jump into fire
never knowing
now i ask, to somewhere inside:
is truth even right for you?
slow warnings float through time
a whisper a tickle a song for the dead
boundless hearts, buckets of wet sand
as proof against small roads

decay meets doubt
on a scared and starving road
i walk on, feeling your shimmering
unconscious incantations
already i know
no need to pull the curtain
i want to take the trident and tangle saturn's beard
and laugh, laugh so hard!
as imps of time and season fall out angry
(they live in saturns beard; what? you didnt know?)

but even as i i dance with you
one night, a few nights
i build a secret silken wall and soon
i'll sit inside, pretending not,
thinking back to when the sea took the shape of eros
then threw that form away before my eyes

you once hunted ghosts
for money

my nicest album so far

on the day of returning to the wander life, i feel to share my best album. for no reason at all, really.