uneasy idyll ends

all meeting emds in parting. the day i leave, so ,any people unreachable. phone no longer working, or simply not responding. even the ones who always hang out were gone from their spots. and i am visiting one i did find and slowly remembering how much i hate being aimless in company. my stydy idyll, which did improve my skills, was also unsettling in that it was not in any way mine nor did i have any say in when or how it would end. and i was never sure of just how it came to be i guess. because he felt sorry for me, so alone. never till the end did anything belie this. even the end doesnt really. annoyance van muffle gentler emotiins.

i realized something: when i've taken people in, i never had a time limit and if i ever made them leave, i cant recall it. i've thrown out a boyfriend for great good cause, but thats different. i guess its like, if i take in a teen or an old lady or whatever, i'm aware that they need somewhere to be for a reason, and i'd not feel ok making them go. i only take ppl in when i really feel to, and a couple times they were bugging me and so i left. once for good, once till they were ready to go.

but most people dont even take ppl in at all. nine months is extraordinary in my experience (this is the only time i accepted, so its not much experience). i wa ted to live with b but that aint happening, and its probably better anyway. he affects me strongly and also confuses me and we'd probably fight, pobably over resources, and i ... uh oh. fuck my goddaam plugged ears. someone outside her tent is saying words i cant get. apparently alarming words, as i think she called for a guy and ran for help...man, hearing is a bfd! i cant survive out here like this. its isolating and i can easily miss danger. like now. i have no idea whats going on ... ah she came in grabbed a bb gun (that looks real). she chased him off and lectured me about my ears. shit.

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