ultraspare change

all sorts of things

5/14/11

its always something

i wonder sometimes: should i have majored in philosophy? things often seem synbolic, i sense or wonder about what things are, why they're here or not here, what they "mean" (to me, to everyone), what is the meaning of words we all assume we know but likely dont (respect, dignity, and love to name three. rly. can you clearly say what these are? and know what you mean? try it...)

being poor is driving me nutz and im complaining internally and (when im not vigilant) externally too. i dont like giving all my money for a bed. i definitely dont like being yelled at, threatened with eviction, and called a bad person (in several ways) because ... i forgot a nonworking a key in a lock. more, its beem two years since ive had to remember a key.

"why? why did you do it?" i was asked like six times, in the meanhot laser manner of a prosecutor) "you changed!" was was also flung about once or twice. (um, no, im like i was two days ago) and twice the "now your true colors come out!" (in the ah-/ha/ voice of a jealous "you were so nice upstairs" got a sad lamenting cameo twice as well, implying it was a ruse to move in here to valden lodge. srsly, someone gave the floor its own name, a name with zero relation to hawaii, queen emma, its own function, or anything. the floor above is just hawaii clinical research center. its name is its function. clearly words to hurt withnoattempt at meaning. i didnt the place existed. it was just a troubled person venting. dr meelee made her do the pee cup testing. it was his idea but he made her do it and didnt come to support her by his presence. cruel or just in his own selfih world that has no room for others. hes heqd of casted, i was told in admiring terms by krisha. shes inclined to be starstruck, any kine star: movie, music, social, business. only once did it annoy me (from her) because the large wode eyed kid element big.


so she's madethe enforcer, the fabled beraer of bad news, unstable asshe is. seeking toavert cries of bias, she chooses her own cousin. afteri left, he wasmad and threw some gift from her in her face. painful painful for a leo who's family doesnt love her and who seems alone. a leo alone is ill somehow, not right. leo is born to lead love laugh and mostly smack in the middle of the biggest adoring crowd said leo can find. its their joy, their gift, their purpose, their soul. she has deep scars on throat, chest, and arms. i hear she /still/ cuts herself and i believ it. i was slow to see and quick to throw q drama fit for reasons bot clear andobscure to me. i could havekept controlled but decided not to. unwise, turns

i did repay her poorlybut not like she said. i wishi had been quietand let her bask in the leonine limelight needs and needs more of. itwould have gone better. she has a heart, and looking deeper, that what made her jump me thenmejump back. i guess i was partly wantingto say hey, im your friend ight? be my friend too! when i was made to leave my bed and sit around looking at s too small plastic cups and my fellow beggars, i was told meemee would test us, so i thought liz was getting tested too. i wasntcomplaining about her, i was wantingto get herto bitch along with mefor a secondto ease my own unhappy feelings. now i see the importance of super v taking meefirst to task over putting leoheart in that position. good for him. leoheart likely see him as a friend but leos are like that. i disagree. i think hes too selfish to be a real friend. i thnkhis main motive is to serve himself. ego boost, money, more status qnd control and final say.

so im told in the morning to pack my bedding, shortly to haul downstairs. seven hours later it happens. not a total fool, i packed some of the oatmeal packets which, incidently, were bought for me. extra bedding was a smart bring too. i decided to leave the mirror. mistake, because i was notallowed to trot it downstairs. "it belongs to the study." both floors are a haphazard collection of whatever happend to behere when the office went away. nothing was bought for the studyorfor here. it was already yhere and has beenhere for what, 13 years? i researched meelee. found a lawsuit, by a coworker at somehospital. a violent patientthrew her into furniture cluttered around, "for the patients" it read but im skeptical. anyway, she said meelee's clutter was a hazard and he was liable for her injuries. easy to believe he did indeed clutter it up, or maybe just never cleared up clutter or even blocked others from doing so. no way he haditthere for patients. if he could im sure hed have skipped chairs and couches in his wait room. hes not bothered by the discomfort of others. if he is its invisible. and consistent.

i couod just go hungry in the dark, meelee had no problem with that. id be surprised if it crossed his mind. leoheart feeds me and asks only pix in return. which i couldnt do because it rained andrained andrained. did liz complain? nope.

from day one meelee shows lack of concern for others. i didnt get enough to eat upstairs for a week! i was igmored then mislead on getting medicine for nomstudy stuff, stuff i told aboutbefore entering thestudy. if hed responded, told meit was up to me the duh, id have gone to the clinic forst. but as is his way he said dickall. hes like my uncle, ignores anythng he isntliking. just ignores it as if you'd never spoken. and he'll keep doing it, unless you get super focused basically demand he address it. and then, he lies or is vague or whatvr. he doesnt communicate much at all. he feels very scorionic to me, that and many otherthings. actually in all things. everything ive seen is textbook scorp. subtle, selfsih, patient, secretive, silent, controlling, strategic forhis ownends, tight(notgenerous), manipulative and inclined to play with people and power. leaps to kill threats, instinctibel qnd withno qualma, jo need for truth. irrelevant. threats are danger. danger must be destroyed.



. nor was any of the medical treatment i needed ever given. nor was it ever settled who if anyone was my doctor -- despite sayng clearly and repeatedly that im requiredto have one. nor was i told where i might get a key, tho "toggle it" did come up (i left it behind because it wasnt working and i foegot it when i wentround to the side). no mention that i must comply with whatever, whenever, for anyreason or be called a drugtaking liar and kicked out. no ones said "and the we call cops" but that means nothing at valden lodge.

mee-lee has been doing studies for a dozen major drug corps for nearly 12 years. he pays the vulunteers only sometimes, i hear, as many are, like me, told they have hep antibodies and are thus disqualified.

the suspicions voiced to meby twp ppl on the qt that he's lying to avoid oaying me... make no sense, right? because how could he do thestudy then? yet a small detail supports the "hes lying" theory: if hes hadeven one previous person disqualified for hap antibodies, probablyhe'd have known the answer wheni asked if i should prepare to leave. "we have to wait and seewhat they say on the mainland." oh? this is new to you, mee lee? and thats just /one/ cash brook. but we have no lamps, no ac, no hot water in the kitchen, no working vacuume, no working garbage disposal (and the sink clogs regularly), no house dishes or cookware or utensils, a d the random "shared" food is from foodbanks. no mirrors, no doors, no shelves, no hangers. they did give me bedding but i think decency compelled it.

meeleee is calm, almost somnolent, slightly monotone. i agree with many of his wordsbut i doubt he does. i think its just soothing sounds to keep things pacified so he can finsh up and go. possibly he also like the "savior" role, maybe believes it, and it could be in there somewhere. but the main goal is, i think, to suck up the loose change from under the cushions, so to speak. what is the cost of thr rooms (actually, cubicles; literally)? what have you got? somepay nearly $700, i pay $200 because i said "i dont have it" to the initial $350 figure. "what can you afford?" like a dumbass i said 200, thus leaving myself with $18 aeach month. if i ever get my damn key back (the very virgo said he'll ask for me. thanks!) i might do it next month, just the once, to get some stuff and eat at the mission (which is having fewer and fewer lunches and no sack lunches given at breakfast anymore) and going hungry if some of the days. depressing but doable. and dr mee lee could care less. nor is he arsed to see if i really do have hep c, and if so, what kind, and then to see if i want treatment. nope. not his prob.

in fact, valden lodge is not regular housing hence free of housing law; not a treatment center hence free form those rules; nor yet a halfway house or a mental health dorm, so free of that stuff too. what is it? damned if i know. itwas kind of half assed put forth at a meeting as an "experiment." mee lee supposedly wants to show that if you give people a bed, a big tv, a weekly meeting, and a facade of freedom (aka cheapness and neglect) he also is subtle, determined, and sneakiy in forcing his will while pretending its resident vote that decides). that was interesting to watch. i abandoned all respect for him then.) hes just another "religious" (7th day adventist) he reminds me of keola. and btw, i hear criminalk is being hounded for ...his crimes. as this sinks in, i wonder: should i act now? when hes got far worse things to fight and i can slip in, quietly confirm he took money from me, thenfromhalping hands, then again from crazy dickhead linus, and kept it allwhilesayingif he gave me mine back r would be tossed backon the streets. see what slime is kinda everywhere i turn? makes it hard to forget ...

really: let people who seem easy-going and unlikely to challenge or ask for much have an former office sitting empty (that i support!), then sit backand stuff your pockets with their money. that makes him a wormin my eyes, and a lazy one at that. likei said, hes strolling up afterthe dynamic rats have got their cheese and sucking up the nickels under the sofabed. you get to put the cushions back on after he leaves.

ok: we pay to squat, and we dont have to sweat how to get utilities on. plus tv. i forget that but most ppl here are pretty fond of it. thank god no fox news fans 24/7 tv addicts. lucky.


no food, no bowl or spoon or soap or lamp or toilet paper. maybe im the dirt poorest ever to step in? i do have mad little for an american, even a poor one. thanks, burglars! saved my back and stolemy salvation, wat?

so. only one person said hey, here. is it enuff? u good? just pay back it back in pix. so i was rattled by the complete surprise and rattled further by losing yet another friend over smoke, karma, and nothing at all. as usual unless im drugged or near death or not there or something, i lit righ back, louder, faster, and witha nice mix of quavering tears of parting andrighteous and /right dammit/ anger. had she not held the only ace and allthe power, which consisted of being supremely displeased that im obershadowing her ta trum with my own so she threatens to ebict me, addingthat its because i wont be quiet and lether do the drama. by theni was groking the situation, that shed been jumped on for doing as she was told and of course mee lee wasnt there defending her. on that i'll by left titty, and thenthe other o e too. its not about me, i remembered a bit late. meaning: a nonsensical attack on you by a recently friendly person? unless they're right, how could it be about anything but themselves? and the onlythingto do is listen and be (or at least appear) sympathetic. how do i forget? as if i've never done it. not a lot but at least once genuinely, and a few more times with a kernal of truth amped up for effect and toensure it was remembered.

if a marsgoes off, any mars, my mars goes off too. anger arouses instant anger. i saw last year -- hilarious -- why is nothing. mars fires, my marsreturns the fire and then some, my brain is safelytucked away for later use.

i was caught off guard, im shitty with that, always, it rattled me, it rattled me more deeply, and now im wary and say little, i hope to not see her atall. because i like her. fun fun! thans, meelee! super v -- i didnt see how goodthis was when he first told me -- actually called meelee on it, did it well ofcourse asvirgors do. oh, i still have no key (shedidnt return it) after a week, which i brood on it several times daily.eventho most days i dont wan go out anyway. typical.

but i absolutely /despise/ being dragged from bed for a random drug test (they didnt pic me as it turned out, but so wat? its wrong and it sux and it instantly conjures the increasingly disturbed collapes of ourculture, our evil and inherently doomed illusion, our positionas top dog, any semblence of stability, unity, or eve sanity in many cases) because some old lady got in a cleaning frenzy -- fuck ppl, its a sty here! let her fkn clean! -- high as a kite was she? who knows! she somehow eveade the test despite being the reason for this whole bullshit display of caprice, poor communication, and uselessness. it also bugs me that most or all of us have mental or emotional isues. yet no one paused to consider the lady might be simply, legally manic. or perhaps compulsion and anxiety powered her sudden and dammit, sorelyneeded, desire to clean the damn floor. no, shewas assumed first to behigh, and its absolutely unquestioned that she must be exposed. we're little narcs now, free snitches on our neighbors whogainnothing and make trouble for others and feel sumg and sure and proud. further, no question at all that hey, others should be tested too just for the hell of it. we have absoluterightto fish for whatever. objecting proves your guilt too. you: never arrested or anything of any sort in 51 years about a drug prob; you yad two blood tests unexpectedlythis year, one by us even, andyour workerof years and all your doctors will backyou. so what? oppose us and yure a lyin addict beggar enemy, you're gone and i remain robot dollarwhore highness. tell me your week butdon disturb me or ask for anything and all is well. best suited: greg. for him, valden is awesome. hes happy and has friends to tease him and simplechores to do and people to help him. krisha mightdo fine too. she's scared, intermittently paraschizo, not demanding (well, she reins it in) and willing toexpress plenny gratitude. i slightly felt some ghost colored fuzz around its edges, i think it was anger at being rushed withwhatever shewas doing with her posessions. it was funny as she told it: she was carefully doing herthing for about /four hours/ and wasnt but halfway done, lol. thats like qbsurdly long for the number of items. so liz jumped in whooshed big leo scoops of things intoboxes and hauled ass downstairs. virgo krish was still blinking her inner eye im sure, notevenone foot onthe firs stone of being ok with this thousands of times faster style. as with many things here, the situation remains mostly incomprehensible to me.

people dont tell you much of anything. ever. dont matter what it is, you aint hearing about it unless its nearly on you, and then barely anything, any key stuff yull learn by fucking up.

everyonesbest learning style and a great way tonring a relaxed, sanctuary feel to our home. its not ourhome, tho. we can be kicked out atanytime, for no reason. im unlikely to last even six months unless i hide hide hide and gag myself from speaking out about the bullcrap i will undoubtedly see many times.

random drug tests: a strong symbol of the raging war our country /is/: corporate kings (and their armies, aka "our" troops") want controll of everything and period. they can do as they pleas, we must do as they say or be shot or fined or shamed or fjailed or even killed. they rule. we submit. random searches of any kind are maybe the oldest qnd purest symbol of everything america supposedly was a becon and protector for. it was o
halo, ideal, safeguard, and freedom. free from unreasonable search and seizure.

how did they miss it, tho, tha greed was no virtue but a cancer that would spread its deadness till the animal died. its dyng rightnowprobably. takeawhilebecause its lifespan is long. a guy wrote: we no longer invest in our young.. and more. with vivid pith he painte a dying empire so well it went right into me and now i simply know.

or think i know. i've neverwatch a culture die. but i dont see how we can heal. long wide deep damage to every organ and to the brainespecially. imparedthinkink, inability to tell real fromfake, paranoia, poison water, dying plants, kids, animals, and golden dreams of free of happy of chickens qnd pots and tidy moms baking sikple brownies qnd worker bees buzzing all day for honey they dont need so give to the queen.

the corporations are kings, tho more akin to despots, dictators, and the french nobility whos heads grew too puffed to stay on their necks...against pretty much all the people except politicians, media satans like murdoch, and some scattered monkey minions anfd other sorts of kings and despots.

banks forging documents to forclose on homes, turning jobless families out in the streets. a governor, not winning his fight to crush unions and forve any strikers whole family off foodstamps forever to punish him and force him into serfdom or let him and his starve, took a momentto simply invalidate the local (more citizen friendly) givernment. somehow he simply stipped alltheir power and made some jackass their total boss and himself, of course, the dictator of a state. and theres rumors of other governors about to do it too.

wtf? murdoch and his weapons, fox beck limburger orielly and those sotting, flesh covered she-bone ghouls with shiney tight skin and gash mouths theyweild like knives. bloodsuckers are more ghastly somehow in dresses. the heels glow with nuclear gossip and smiling backstabs. then they pause for yourapproval. ever see that?

few hitlers pause to catch your praise and worship, right? they're guys. murdoch is the poison source and the slime leader, but michell malkin just disturbs more. you just know she'll cackel crazilyif she gets you alone where she can eat your flesh. which is what she does. dont forget to clap.

like women (i forget their names right now) who screech and cackle and flash their boobs abd coifs for a fat wad and the razors edge of ego crack...murdoch is wealthy and powerful from a lifetime of fomenting hatred, confusion, ignorance, and fear. he turns the people against themselves, so they miss him and those he serves stealing everything they can from anyone whos weak, downto food and medicineif they can swing it. they destroy the ecosystem we all need to live, they takeand take and take. they have more riches than they could useup in countless lifetimes but it means nothing. they're simply taking machines, somehow this is what they want to do above all else, they who could do anything they want.

and the breathtaking stupidity of so many! they are getting less and less and less, and still they believe millionaires need tax breaks and homeless should get nothing, nor their neighbors -- hell, themselves but they are oblivious!" -- should not get healthcare because it willsomehow control them. its will threaten and bully them.

not for evenone eye blink do they think, "how? how would that work exactly?" they cant or wont see that scannrs and wiretaps and random searches and prisons and torture and such an insane mass of weapons that eventhe military is saying "stop already!" are making them less and less safe. they're scared senseless as they lose more and more, yet in no way does this trigger a look into who they should fear. they basically absorb a millions spews of the fox mantra that startled the hell out of me yet goes totally unquestioned by, well, everyone else: "fox. safe at home."

wtf??? i first heard it about 15 years ago and it was hard to believe it wasnt satire. itstruck me full on partly becausei go years wo seeing tv, and partly because i just noticethings like that.

how come q bunch of people cantsee the glaringly obvious fact that rich people, often as corporationsbut as shadowy individuals and bought pols too, are openly and lately, downright recklessly, screwing the pants off them? how can they /not/ see it? is it a total lack of common sense? is it neing folded into a fox-smarm-parental wall of "those foiegner hippy smart people are stealing my job. kill em. the bank is stealing my home -- its obamas fault."

they could, if they chose, take 15 minutes to read a list of /actual/ things obama has given them: cash, food, medicine, some relief from the rapacious pinsteioed jackles." and he'sdone it while being relentlessly smeared and hounded and reviled by the wealthy crooks and their media poison dispensrs (beck, et al).

the drama and stakes are fantastically clear. hat color is solid blqck or galahad while for most of the major players. assange fights for his right to speak the truth from a lords estate, we continue to hold people weve starved and tortured in a nazi camp with no recourse and to no purpose, we force megabilliin dollar weapos on the generals while letting paralyzd elderly cripples lie in their own filth in rain and grime, friendless and reeking, because "money's tight."

these weapons arent for defense. the military dontwant them. so who are they for? pols still get pork from habit but they give the finger most of the time because the corporations elect them....the weapons are for corporations. should they need them. the police, the jails, the hearltss laws that make living in poverty criminal (sleeping? oh nono! off to jail, beggar!), pay for the sick "entertainment" of gore and murder and cpos n robbers and pure boreing inanestupidity and happy "shock" and snari and censure thrownat those richly paid to entertain and distract. why them, who are far more harmless and sometimes compassionate, and not the far richer and more sinister corporations?

how can people see all the crimes and looting by stock folk and banks and oil people, and still believe its all the poor's fault and that the struggling demons who've just stolentheir saving, trashed their health and healthcare too, and cut their food card, fought against helping them in any way at every turn, and doing it daily, rightnow! how can so many see this, live it, and still think we should give the robbers even more, and not be hard on them for repayment?how can they believe -- whenit never ever happens -- that this will makecorporationshire them back?

here, take our last money and please use it to pay us a bit of it. please.

every bit of government money is /ours/ and the rich throw /our/ money at things to kill threats and fatten themselves without end. where did their money come from? from /earth./ earth is not their property. its everyones and no ones. and itdoesntneeda bunch of management and extraction and poison and etc. just eat and do this qnd that and mostly leave yhe earth as she is. then what? thenwe could survive, allor nearly all could eat, see nature, travel, not be forced to slabe for others till they're discarded when their use is gone and left to die, miserable and full of hate at those who've donethem no harm at all.
hell on earth? kali yuga? to me, rightnow at least, actual french style pike headed revolutionwould benot just anticlimatic but too late without a prayer or porpose beyond just running wild with loss and blind mad hunger...of the soul, of someonewho's eaten fake food until their near death and die of it still swearing its real.

even eat it and wither /while watching/ the armed and gated eat real food and thrive. its right there and they dont see it. im mystified!

doesnt the life instinct drive them wake up, even just briefly? or is hate and habit and fear stronger than life itself? howcould it be, since life is their earth. if life vanished so would feelings.

any part of the universe truly suicidal? if so, why must it be in such a horrific way? why not peaceful, philosophical suicide as a natural, inevitable end to all beginnings? why dont people die from mass suicides and sacrificing themselves to save the lives of others? or die battling greedy, ruthless beings? or defending the weak? why is that rare, and dyng of stupidity and envy that eats you as your sour baleful spite still dampens the very air of all?

my intense shock, sorrow, aversion, anger, and so onwith what i see is so insistent it somewhat possesses me and drives me so hard my sentences get unruly and possibly break their forms and lose their way.

my writing is turgid and wroght, as am i. my ownbitter struggle and losssanfter losss to cons thieves timeignorance and many other things ongoing for 13 years now merges hotly, urgently, with the same thats the entire lands experience. most are losing and losing and losing, and their efforts are wasted, their friends canthelp them, the thieves wont and in favt, will often attack them further or makethemdo their work of their owndestruction...cruel irony, and i cannotcome to any sensible peace with it.

im a bitterness junkie at present. it feels almost like lower and power ks what i crave, to rsie up and kill all those who are killing everything, then let what comes comes qnd be satisfied i've done a blazing bloody purge for justice and sunlight...

and i know how dumb that it too. even if it happened (!) so what? would humans now be better? maybe, since the crap ones arent around to breed and coerce and decieve and etc. but it would creep back. how? accident, brain trauma, poison, grief, misunderstanding, and qll the rest.

our race on the whole is full of fatal flawa. nobility is rare, avarice common. bravery is admired, cowardice practiced and even applauded as "sensible." pleasing lies are held as examples of good people, honesty that isnt pleasing is reviled as lies, troublemaking, illness, criminality, immaturity, rudeness, stupidity, and more.

integrity: theres another one. what does it mean? i challenge you to define it clearly in the comments. if anyone ever reads this. i /think/ it would be fairly simple to get somereaders. just write and link and do it daily. maybe i will. hell, all thatstoos me is fear and laziness.

so how can i piss qnd moan about all these negative qualities of our race destroying us andthen, not even blog because i dont feel likeovercoming them in myself?

which leads inevitably to meditation. to this: politics can hypnotize with a mix of righteous anger, hero daydreams, drama, illusionsof power or victory or allshades and kinds of cool and sparking. so? immersion wont do a damn thing, no more than reading tabloids will make you famous or scandolous.

the only real change and power and control you have, or could have, is over your own being, its form health actions decisions and so on.

i try to remember /atthe veryvery least, when im stuck in indecision and a swirl of pointless passion ober things that affect me but are also out of my reach entirely, this: am i actingout of love, or out of fear? somehow, witha bit of stretching hereand ther, that onequestion seems pertinent to every situation. anything can be seen withthay question in its essence, for better viewing and easier deciding.

am i acting out of love or out of fear? its always the point, the prod, the clearer of confusion. it blows the trappings off to reveal the simple pleasing isness. person place thing -- irrelevant. the only questionto answer is love, or fear?

5/10/11

5/8/11

buddhasattva

buddhasattva by iquanyin moon
buddhasattva, a photo by iquanyin moon on Flickr.