day out

a day of surprises, activity, events i somehow knew ould happen, annoyance, some impatient hanging about, offers, propositions, evasions, detours, and treats. for me, typical. maybey this iswhy istayinsomuch. idon't really know why, other than i can. and i have no key and an erratic timesense. i'm down by the harbor. fisherman, ocean, quiet. that feel of ocean softnessand inclination to trust those who stay, in boats on ridges in groups at the little tables -- i trust that they'll mind their business, mostly. because they're peaceful. if they fish, they also have poles to mind. i feel slightly strange -- only haole, alone, a stranger. but i walk likei know where i'mgoing and no one says anything.

i was hoping to find baron, and i'm in the right place, but maybe hes sleeping or running around or doesnt sat here anymore. no way to know, and i cant check the boat because people are around. i think baron just slips in, and out early. he says its his brothers boat but i think not. i briefly, many times, considered trying to find an empty boat. but i haven't a clue what to look for, or if neighbors watch boats commonly for absent owners. no way to gracefully back out either, should tye boat be occupied. probably you have to know someone, even just a bit.

i'm hoping the fishing people think i'm a writer and get inspiration from the ocean. its true, i do, but i havent written since the stuff was stolen, and for no reason i rarely come to the harbor. i should, because i love it. for awhile it made me too sad. i kept remembering tha new years eve, with rudy and sinisa and thecroationgirl and some others. i was moody and shy, so i said little and went in the ocean to my waist. clothes will dry. vaguely i remember sinisa being disturbed, and i suddenly felt what was in his mind: that maybe i'd keep going and drown.

ignorant drama queen i sometimes am, i used body language to both dispel the notion and further it. stupid, thoughtless. i have that streak. i want to be the center of my love's world, yet with no clinging or doubt or such from them. when i love, i love. no chance i'll run or turn against unless -- after far too long in every case -- unless, until it is clear: they don't know me. they are jealous. they don't like me to roam or have friends. they wonder if i'm honest. people: no. what pulls me to you remains.

i'm uneasy, some, because i don't like to show a valuable (ipad) to strangers, alone or not. but i'm tired, i won't get in till morning, i'm hoping the baron might come by, and i believe i'm not in four line for amugging. trickery? some. force? little really, in such a wild and heedless life. i could bevery wrong. probably not tho. not ideal in any case but no way i can sit and donothing, no way i can sleep on bare ground, and i'm disinclined to see janet or yo or any apt crew, plus its late. c and h no doubt sleeping. interesting, handsome, and very nonhassel. he'ssmart and easy, as aquarians are unless you try to bind them orforce them to do wrong. i'm sure he's got a few whopper problems but they're not in force.

if he werent a thief (pro, not of friends) i'd maybe have visited a time or two, but i don't like it. someto detailing activities because its boring folks steal and are still pretty cool, but its unsafe, unworthy of respect, and ...unimaginitive. or maybe "weak" is the word i want. i have little.e sometimes, i like to bitch and despair till it fades away, i like i like to look intoto sketch (cant here) people's natur too, but i guess i choose hardsip over thieving. and currently am spared the hardship.
fuuuuuuuck and this pad jumps around sometimes, breaks off
this ipad sspacebar is shite. i hit it but mostly it doesnt do suat. trying to go back and space the words is tedious beyond belief so i dont. no one reads this, and if they ever do, well, its just occasional ramblings to pass sometime.

why i write little: poor equipment, a huge aversion to losing all my data yet again, no way to make it private (no foolproof way) because keeping it on devices or websites is only good till they go away. so i cant write many things because they involve others. i'm not in

finally the peace and time to heal and regroup i've wanted for years. an astoun


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