writing helps

focus thoughts. dispel circling worries and forebodings. blow the tangents away. reveal something simple, to fix or endure or embrace. ok: my fate right now is largely in the hands of others. one is drowning in karma and will likely sink dramatically. my tenuous existence will be upended, plus i'll be sad as sad can ever be because i feel for the person. i'll be sad, scrambling, and as most of these past few years, determined, lonely, and lacking a clear path to putting some fate back into my own hands.

ok. so when i left, this seemed clear: in hawaii, my best times come when i drop my plans and just do things that seem fun or helpful when they arise, without trying to keep them, and accepting losses, feeling the freedom of having little (what you have owns you), and rest as easy as i can.

its hard because its not my preference. all that capricorn in my makeup wants plans, aims, accomplishments, control, means, and tools. i should remember: so what? its karmic habit, not the grail. and it does squat for me or others here. where is enlightenment? here. now. the details are dreams, waves, confetti. the essence is response. be, see, feel, trust. trust awareness, not plans and people. if i live, i can be aware. nothing blocks that but forgetting.

right now, what? ocean, moon, people fishing. writing on a magic creation, someone's dream in my hands, nothing like it ever before. if things crash and burn and times are hard, so what? my fate outwardly is mostly in other's hands. not inside, unless i allow.

hell, vegas would have been better had i just enjoyed the thing, gambled freely with the money given me, not cared if i took photos or not, etc. i couldnt manage it. iphone desires cut my joy, worry about the card thing, the wobbly person, etc nagged me.

silly. nothing i could do, nor can i now, but be open.

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