fate, men, etc

i try to remember: its good that most people in america think astrology's bunk and don't have any knowlege of it, because they don't need more tools to use for stupid ends.

man oh man tho. this thing now with b. exactly like it says: the energies aroused are intense and have me in their grip. it feels mutual, when it doesn't feel like i blew it by being as crazy as possible the two times we've met. he feels like rudy -- just as the similar patterns are shown in the chart. and like rudy, he has a transforming effect on me, not by doing or saying anything in particular, by simply being present. his presence melts me down, and later i see all the leaks and rivers of internal trouble, and its clear i need to slow down (innerly). suddenly i see i'm acting like those ill junkies, drugs are irrelevant. its the attitude, the intensity of my apathy, the inability to govern myself in most ways and the fear of simply trusting myself...and i see this person as potential danger, as potential salvation, as the true friend for life who's always just behind every striking face and tangled, fated encounter. i think of rinpoche, of tsalung, of sinisa, rudy, death, foreknowlege...i write a poem for the first time in ever and ever, i take up digital painting, i think of the person ceaselessly.

i even employ the one small game i know, which i almost never do since i don't like social games and wasting time. i feel certain that i need do nothing, the fate between us will play out just like it has with others (even when i'd try to avoid them). then i feel despair because fear and careless mourning overtook me and at a crucial time, a crucial encounter, all the unresolved crap, all the trouble i know part of me is in, overtook potential and stomped it out. defensive, i argue my inherent goodness, i tell myself its a close call and i've avoided devastation, that its my "acting out the other person's hidden problems" thing -- in this case being nutz -- and try to feel thankful and solid with myself and not longing.

i'd say that qualifies as a meeting that arouses strong feelings, can't be ignored. the sexual stuff -- holy mama mia, maybe just fantasy, but then, "just" is another irrelevant thing. sex is the mind, the moods. nothing ever has to happen, if the meeting of beings occurs on some level strong, raw, touching eyes and souls and really /touching/.

and he is psychotic, clinically, has been at least once anyway. bipolar, in a different realm, flighting cops, jailed. what else: he was a paranormal researcher. a ghost buster. he's a writer of adventure/fantasy stories and one book. i meet people in the same space as me, sort of. in this case absolutely person is as wounded as i am. open and not. already projecting things onto me: that i'm paranoid, that i interrogate (i infer the second one). we may or may not be communicating well verbally at all. who knows? i did the talking. for hours and hours and hours. he reacts oddly to questions sometimes, and it rings a small warning bell.

but unless i've become a different person, none of this matters. we will relate because its in the cards. so the smart thing would be to keep alert, resume meditation, keep open and genuinely loving == honest == because the selfish thing won't fly here. well, it will fly and turn into a raging animal, and we'll both be shredded.

it can be turned. we're on a cusp. no, it can't. all the neptune is whispering delusion, illusion. ideals will just run out my mouth and dissipate because i have no discipline and too many needs.

back and forth, my thoughts are a see saw. all i really know is i'm strongly affected, as the charts say. the feeling of urgency: there as well. the coming together even if unsuitable? of course, and his moon is definitely not my cup of tea. i never do well with fire moon, and sagg especially brings out exactly what's cautioned over and over in the composite: animosity. in this case the line is razor thin, passion/hatred. really.

and if he's somehow seeming way more sane than he is (which is almost certainly the case), not clear animosity but murky, elusive poison and confusion that will suck me like a tarbaby. his moon is as one with neptune, and my sun squares neptune, and the composite is filled with neptune. and we each have natal mars-venus conjunct, and its in the composite too.

the merged chart, tho, is strongly like his (vs a balance of both people), and he's a taurus, and further and earth-fire. stronger than me even when ill, and the merging adds to his strength but not to mine. and then, the undercurrent in me: he needs my help, he loves me already, i should help him, not be afraid...

holy cripes. if i just didn't answer his texts....but avoidance never worked before.