ultraspare change

all sorts of things

5/15/11

lets try writing

after yetanother olympian monologue about all sorts of things -- tragedymystery sorry anger life losslongings andetc, yet again watching the funamdpleasure in my company erode intoboredom and abrupt dismissaal; after yetanother insecure thought can rollinground andround behind the top thoughts, the wondering "does hethinkim nuts? because i cantshut up? is hesick of hearing allthis whenwhat he wanted was pure entertainment to distract him from his exhausting ongoing inner war: unhappy, starving neptune moon vs cap sun, aries rising, and first house mars (complicating already complex things hugely by being in pisces)...

hes lonely yet antisocial. hes the only person i've evermet to admit he has the batshit insane jealousy issue so hejust doesnt do the girlfriend thing. he regrets drinking and promptly drinks again, insigtfully noting theres some desire connect with a girl and the booze helps ...

thatgave me the almost splendid somehow vision of a dark and shining neptune moon, one with time and space, since beginningless beginning and eternally alwya there just out reach of all but dreams and maybe formwisps. shining eternal and alone. she needs that but also some path out of the form she's caught in right now. and saturn mars dont know her need, all they see is the drink they refuse that she sneqks into them anyway. they seeher asweak and guilt making, a drainer of resources who must forvefully made to heel and be still and do nothing forever.

i tried to tell him: energy expresses. it is older than you, bigger than you, its yur air andground and all that. it will always win if you fight it. always. look, see it now: you decide no drinks. you drink anyway. you regret it. you vow nomore. round andround.

the constant inner war exhausts willand vitality. it dulls the sword and discourages the spirit. abd it goes nowhere. its draining, unwinnable, and useless. stop. stop, dont fight, reflect and wait, as strees free as can manage, and drink or dont but stop till a better plan comes.

know this: your moon is starving and willnot just quietly dies because mars saturn says so. like all things yu moon will fight for here life, however she can. i see only one thing one road one food right now: hooze. yu're pulled to music, good. insomnia and the sense of doom that comes at night and tosses you ragged endless mean aginst all need for sleep -- again, dontfight. not eve one second. just rite as you asked meabout. writewhatever, writetill youre sleepythen sleep. sometimesit will be a minute or so. trust me. then savethe writing, read it thru in a month or so. you'llbe surprised and happy, and i think you start lucod dreaming. "i've had lucids," he assured me. sure sureim just wantingto tell yu what i see. blah blah.

it tookthreetimes before hesawsomeofitandididnteven tryfor all. he saw the first part: moonneed food. die shewont. she'll just refuse your goal each time. you cant win. you mist decide howto feed her.

i also talked, less clearlybut perhaps too enthusiastically, about the jealosy. venus in scorpio, in the eighth, squared by pluto in leo. he thoughti didnt didnt know that jealousy is unreasoning burningpure raw devouring all consuming buring with flames of satans hell and killing bonds just destroying them burning them to ashes. i count stop myself from cutting him off to assurehim that i /do/ know.

forehead smack! holy shit, im bloviating ith reflexive, annoying, irrelevant "i do too know! iknow! i know!" shit and completely missing the near miraculous part: an insanely jealous man is freely admitting his insane jealousy. i had given up. it seemed that if you hadthat, it destroyed all reason, subtlybut totally, in all of you. it would take timeto seebut eventually partner would notice ropes qnd chainsamdcobweb mazes eberywhere. alldoorways, halls, windows -- any opening you could go thru and runa away. jealousyis tireless and whether or not it lashes out in all its psychotic destructive delusional glory, or keeps hidden by a strong habit of sneak(a la robert), in thenackground its painting over everything that is reason andtrust andclarity and love. thosethings arethedoors windows lanais the things that can take you somewhere. why jealousy always knows is ansolutel sure that if you go anywhereyou wont comebackever is a puzzle. the insecurityanswer seems thin to me, not enoughto call up kali qnd slay everythingi mean everything. jealousy goes and whats left is bloody hearts, razor shreds of trust, nonds burned black and sjrivled to bonelike snakey things. life is tothououghly stamped out its hard to even feel scared.

if jealousy takes over, everything is already dead. if you can just go now. save time spare pain maybe even keep a friend. but you have no partner. youre single again, just with someone around. run away the minute you see it. you. have. nothing. appearances otherwise are purely dream/mamory/fantasyholograms devoid of actual relating. a nonhuman force of naturecant bond with a person because the person dies instantly if they touch. and person senses it and usually starts struggling to get away from the jealousy thing. it doesnt want to die! jealousy is a murderer, and a reptile. it can devour and survive. it cant warm you because it look hot but its blood is cold. its also a vampire, needingnot just blood but warm blood, craving itbecause its own cold blood feels so emptyits like thin pain played on a violin strung with comets.

its not romantic and if it sounds so my words are lies and delusionsthemselves. donttrust them and dont read them again but remember their message. jealusy is a murderer. inherently. it has no choice. touching jealousy kills living things instantly. its just that way.

i believe there is one hope. not the powertrip fail of "i simply will prevail" i dont see howself war is ever good. it just drains and discourages and no one wins. because its just you, crossing swordswith shadows, sure you'll draw blood if you just keep trying. you wont. time passes while you lose and lose till it finally ends. when and how is your call.

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